What will the neighbours say?
3 steps to discern whose opinion actually matters
My dad taught me not to worry too much about what others think of me, and I’m eternally grateful for that. It gave me resilience and a natural ability to discern whose opinion to value and whose not. Always think for yourself.
I know that in many families, ‘what others think’ is always present: What will the neighbours say? Or maybe even worse: what they won’t say, but will surely think. Side-eyes included. It’s rooted in fear, and when an entire community follows this pattern, the seed of becoming an authentic individual is stifled before it can grow.
However, we can’t ignore the fact that the outside world influences our inner world, sometimes more than we realize. The key is to discern whose opinion supports your growth and whose criticism reflects something else. One helps you grow; the other keeps you in your comfort zone. Or causes harm.
Advice may be well-intended, but if it comes from someone else’s fear of disappointment and is projected onto you (‘don’t stand out too much, otherwise people will have something to say’), it misses the point - or can even cause harm.
So what is really happening here, and how can you tell when someone else’s opinion matters?
I’d like to begin with a famous quote by Theodore Roosevelt (the 26th President of the United States) from 1910: ‘It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood [...]’
And that’s exactly it.
Sometimes we’re drawn to taking in all advice, especially in moments when we still feel uncertain about a decision and/or our path. On the other hand, we might dismiss all advice, assuming we know best. Been there, done that ;)
Neither approach truly moves us forward.
In the first case, you drift away from what really matters to you: what makes you (and your business) authentic. In the second, you might miss an important perspective you can’t see yourself, perhaps because you have a blind spot.
Everyone is entitled to have an opinion about what you do or don’t do, but it’s up to you whether you let that opinion in. When I’m faced with criticism, I use these three steps to decide whether it’s worth listening to.
First step: Is this someone who is ‘in the arena’?
Using Roosevelt’s definition, is this someone who is willing to take risks themselves, someone who has the courage to try and fail? There’s a Dutch saying: ‘The best captains stand on shore.’ And it’s true, criticism from someone who has never truly taken a stand and stays safely in their comfort zone may be less valuable than feedback from someone who has walked the path.
Who stands in your arena?
Second step: Is this criticism helping me move forward, or holding me back?
New ideas and emerging creativity are like young children. They need nurturing, sometimes guidance, but above all: encouragement to grow and explore. Criticism aimed at keeping someone in their comfort zone does not support growth. The intention behind it isn’t always negative. Sometimes it comes from someone’s own fears or a desire to protect you. Still, it doesn’t help you move forward.
Or is it feedback that feels like, ‘Yes, I can work with this, this feels grounded, this has value’? That’s the kind of input that truly helps you grow.
Third step: Do I respect how this person lives?
Is this someone you can look up to? Do you feel there is something to learn from the way they make their choices? Not because you want to be like this person and thereby sabotaging your authenticity, but because you know this person shows up, even if it’s not perfect. People will always have opinions (the critics), but their opinions matter less if they’re not taking similar risks. The real respect belongs to those who dare to show up anyway.
Based on these three steps, it becomes undeniably clear whose advice to follow and whose not. So next time when you accept or dismiss advice without thinking, take a moment to check in: Is this person in your arena? And to nourish the cycle of giving and receiving: for whom are you standing in the arena?
