Why unhealthy patterns are so hard to break
And how it can be done.
We’re almost in the second month of 2026, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that most New Year’s resolutions didn’t make it this far.
That made me wonder: Why is it so difficult for some people to stick to their resolutions, while for others it seems much easier to follow through on healthy habits?
The answer isn’t discipline.
It isn’t willpower.
And it isn’t about how hard you try.
The answer lies in your nervous system.
Real, lasting change can only happen when your nervous system feels safe. And the problem is: your nervous system doesn’t actually care whether a choice is good for you or not.
It cares about familiarity.
Your nervous system feels safe when you repeat what it already knows. What you’ve done before. What you’ve always done. It’s wired for efficiency, safety, and survival - not necessarily for personal growth.
But: familiar doesn’t always mean healthy.
So, how do you break the loop?
A lot has been written about ‘calming’ or ‘relaxing’ the nervous system. And while there is truth in that, most people are coping with this: true, lasting change often happens only when old habits are ready to collapse. You get sick, your 20th relationship isn’t working, a burnout… Sometimes change happens because someone is extremely strong-willed or stubborn and simply decides to change. But for most people, it happens when staying the same becomes more uncomfortable than changing. The time when it feels like there’s almost no other option.
You can wait for that moment. But how do you get ahead of it, before everything falls apart? What I see when it comes to my clients, it’s this:
The answer lies (partly) in already living as the person you want to become.
Here. Now. No Future.
Let’s take addiction as an example. How does a person live who is free from addiction?
How do they move through the world?
How do they speak?
Who do they surround themselves with?
What do they believe about themselves, their relationships, and life?
Where does their energy go?
In other words: Who are you, without the thing you need to let go of?
When you work from this place, you begin to create and strengthen your magnetic field. This is the field that already holds your potential. And when that field becomes stable and consistent, it becomes easier to support it with grounded, real-life actions.
Your nervous system slowly gets used to the ‘new’ you.
How it feels.
How it acts.
How it moves through life.
And that feels safe.
And yet… I’m glad you stayed, because here comes the real twist ;)
As your nervous system slowly acclimates to this new version of you, don’t forget to honor the one you’ve been (and in a way, still are). Even the version labeled addicted deserves appreciation. Don’t exile it. Acknowledge it fully. You might even allow yourself to savor the sensation of being ‘hooked’, noticing what it has been trying to protect, soothe, or teach. (Go to the nearest bookstore and get yourself an example of the book ‘Existential Kink’ by Carolyn Elliott if you like to dive deeper into this practice.) You won’t regret it ;)
‘Real transformation isn’t born from love and light alone; it unfolds when Darkness is allowed to teach what it holds.’
It may sound provocative, but this is why affirmations, visualizations, and love-and-light meditations, on their own, so often fall short. True change asks for the courage to sit with your shadows while holding a quiet knowing that something more nourishing awaits you. In health, business, or love.
This work does not arise from the mind, nor is it secured by sheer willpower (though I always welcome it when clients bring that too). It moves beyond timelines, unfolding in its own rhythm, and cannot be controlled.
But: it can happen instantly. An absolute future, as French philosopher Jacques Derrida would say. Something radically new, something you cannot fully imagine in advance.
This is the essence of frequency work and facing your Darkness. The work where your ultimate potential can meet you. Not in a controlled way, but in radical openness.
This is how it works. This is how you change. This is where you grow.
Let’s rise.
